“The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it…”
— Henry David Thoreau, Walden
to talk about the Perfectionism Rebellion, we have to go back in time by about 3,200 years, to the Trojan War; specifically, to the Golden Apple that started it all. (also known as the Apple of Discord, because unlike it did with Isaac Newton, in this tale the fruit doesn’t inspire insight but utter chaos.)
in Greek mythology, Eris - Goddess of Discord - inscribes an apple with the words “To the Fairest” and tosses it into the crowd at a gathering of the gods. this gets Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite all riled up, because, Highlander style, there can be only one, so tag, who’s it? Zeus being Zeus, he outsources conflict resolution to Paris, a young (shepherd) prince of Troy, minding his own business on a mountainside down in Human Land.
overnight, he becomes the star in his own reality show, the Judgement of Paris, guest starring three of the most powerful goddesses in Greek mythology. through scheming that would put Survivor contestants to shame, each deity pledges larger-than-life “rewards” (legally, we’d call them bribes) should Paris crown her the fairest of them all. I guess they all read Snow White when they were kids?
Hera, as wife to the king of the gods, promises worldly dominion. Athena presents the gift of strategic mastery. but Paris apparently has no use for such things. he opts instead for Aphrodite’s offer: Helen of Troy (then still Helen of Sparta), the most beautiful woman in the world. and the rest is Hollywood history (unless, of course, you’re the kind who’s gone Homeric). Paris travels to Sparta, they elope and Paris makes a Helen of Troy out of her, while her husband Menelaus calls up his homies to get his wife back.
perhaps Paris should have just given her the apple and called it a day?
now let me introduce you to the Nadjeid.
in the Nadjeid, Eris - Goddess of Workaholism - inscribes a perfectionist wound with the words “To the Worthiest” and tossed it into a decades-long mix of classrooms and offices where being great gets you the goodies (sometimes, it was as simple as buying yourself a ticket to being left to your own devices, because who cares what you do as long as you perform).
this flick of the apple-wound activated the drive for intellectual mastery, the drive for control, and the seduction of eventual absolution, all of which vied for first place, so tag, who was it? executive reason delegated conflict resolution to the only available character at the time: the uninitiated ego, young, naïve, and short-sighted as to the long-term cost of things.
overnight, said young thing became the star in its own reality show, the Judgement of Ego, guest starring three of the most powerful motivations in human mythology. each drive pledged larger-than-life “rewards” (legally, we’d call them delusions) should Ego crown it the worthiest of them all.
the drive for control, as consort to executive reason, promised professional power. the drive for intellectual mastery presented the gift of expertise. but Ego wanted those things to add up to something. it opted instead for the seductive offer made by the most conniving character of all, Absolution, who would in time bestow “ROI” (then still undefined). whatever it would look like, it whispered in Young Ego’s ear, be assured it’d make the exhausting, burning pace of a workaholic lifestyle feel completely justified. one day, all this would glitter ‘n shine with the jewels of “it was so worth it, yo.” what “worth it” actually looked like was a question for another meeting that they never got to have.
and the rest is life story history. Ego ventured into the world of achievement and eloped with ROI so it could make an Ultimate Reward out of her. after a time, however, Reality called up its homies—Time, Energy, and the Human Body—and laid siege to the whole arrangement.
Troy, in the Nadjeid, was the crazy-paced life I built around the assumption that I could keep going indefinitely. spoiler: the walls didn’t hold.
perhaps Ego should have defined “enough” before committing the entire kingdom?
because that’s the rather important detail I left out of the bargain. what, exactly, was all this supposed to buy me? the achievements were real, sure. but so was the cost. the promised moment when everything would feel completely justified remained conveniently somewhere in the calendars of tomorrow. yes, dear reader, it damn well never showed up 😏 whatever I’d done, there was still more I could do. whatever I’d become, there was still more I could become.
Absolution, it turns out, is very good at scheduling follow-up meetings without actually attending any. and I just kept accepting the calendar changes.
the Perfectionism Rebellion began—due purely to a total (and totally enforced) health collapse—with me finally questioning the terms of that arrangement. which took time. a lot of it. two years and counting, as it were.
I still want to make things. I still want to do work I care about, and to do it well. but I also want a say over what I’m willing to spend in the process. what does this particular thing need to accomplish? what would make it enough? at what point am I improving the work, and at what point am I asking it to prove something about me?
a blog post can communicate an idea. asking it to justify my intelligence, my abilities, or my existence is quite a lot of additional responsibility for a blog post.
this one, for example, could easily become an entire mythological anthology. there are sequels available. I’ve got scores of supporting characters listed and ready to make their debut. enough symbolic parallels to keep me occupied until someone invents another alphabet.
but it already has something to say: once upon a time, I committed the kingdom to a reward I hadn’t defined. then one day, I wanted to stop making that bargain, so that’s what I’ve been doing. letting that be enough for one post is a small rebellion.
so here we are 📍
#100DaysToOffload/6