I won’t lie. It (still) pains me to say that. the words unearth in me an inner scream rising up from the dungeonous depths.
and oh, the dialogue!
“pffft, I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere in life if that was actually my motto.”
true enough, for the seasons during which a perfectionist approach served me.
these days, it feels like a death sentence when all I want to do is be able to take it easy.
yesterday, someone asked if I’d already deployed my site redesign to Quartz 5. I had to admit that I’ve been doing that since the days of Quartz 4 - and yet, still nada, as far as public viewing goes.
because reasons. because the dial isn’t turned up to 100% perfect just yet (weirdly enough, it never does seem to get much closer…)
I don’t know what the flip side feels like, but perfectionism is an abysmal hellhole.
I often fantasise that it’d be much easier, because all I’d have to do is work harder when the situation calls for it.
I suspect that line of thinking is but another sign of a mind infected with the perfectionism virus.
two years ago, debilitating Long COVID—the aftermath of another virus—forced me into a Perfectionism Rebellion.
and, oh boy, did I cling to Dylan Thomas’ plea to “not go gentle into that good night”.
which felt warranted, sure, as far as not wanting to actually die went; I did myself proud by going Lorenzo’s Oil1
Lorenzo’s Oil
on my health; so sure, do “rage, rage against the dying of the light” when it’s not your time.
but don’t, when the death in question pertains to an outdated mind virus.
so this site in present form—in all its THIS ISN’T ME NO MORE glory—is brought to you by my version of the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear from Frank Herbert’s Dune:
“I must not strive for perfection. perfectionism is the mind-killer. perfectionism is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my perfectionistic tendencies. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. and when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. where the perfectionism has gone there will be nothing. only I will remain.”
#100DaysToOffload/5